Full Metal - Black letter -

Thursday 30 August 2007

Report: Je Chante Pour Passe Le Temps

Je chante Pour Passe Le Temps...

Arrrggghhh... wish I could get the score or the Mp3 la... so hard, so hard... listen to it also I think I die liao trying to play it, hahaha! Cuz it's Byakuya's song.. and I love him so much, huhhhh... Sigh... Renji/Steven came online on the 28th.. but he didn't talk to anyone. I hope he didn't get hacked. But I swear to God that I MISS him!! It's been ages since I last talked to him, or I got a message from him! Oh God, Steven... I hope that you're okay, wherever you are right now! Please, please don't be dead. Don't die on me... because if you do, I don't know what I'll do without you... Stay alive for me, Steven.. please...

Sigh, and school sux, dammit. Our seniors has so conveniently decided to call off the Farewell party/Prom at the Royal Klang Club at Jalan Istana because they "suddenly" found out that they didn't have any transport, and only 5 could come. I'm so stressed liao, man!! The whole Lower 6 bertungkus-lumus wanna collect enough money so the Upper 6 could have their party and fun, so desprate until we're selling Nasi Lemak and sandwiches, and even going as far as asking the teachers for sponsorship money! All our freaking efforts went to waste today. I almost cried. No wonder Siew Kim meletup twice today la.... I wouldn't want to get into Siew Kim's bad books.. she's scary when she's mad. No one tries to stop her when she's shouting.

Stress... stress... sometimes I wish I had someome to talk to. I miss my two brothers, Ishida and Byakuya ~~though I think Byakuya can hardly be counted as a brother now~~ cause they rarely come online when I do. I do get messages from Byakuya la, but I wish it could be like the times when he and I could chat together for hours. Ishida... okay, school so I don't blame him. But then again, I have to learn to stop depending on them so much, hahaha. Hmm, but as for Byakuya... I guess I have to come to terms with my feelings. Sigh... ~~Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have a deep, dark secret about what me and my brother are doing and..........~~

Yayyyysss! Tomorrow is MERDEKA!!! Ye ye... xde sekolah, ye ye... Ai, but then I hafta go to church, damn... that's even more boring than not getting to use the computer. I'm scared, though... what if Nii-sama comes online while I'm gone?! Haiizz... bad luck la, maybe. Nevermind la.. I guess I'll just keep singing 'Jalur Gemilang' and 'Warisan' tomorrow. Can't find Sudirman Mp3 for that song la.. I wonder why. I've been trying the whole of this afternoon, but still can't. Anyway, I"m feeling a bit patriotic today, hahaha. Singing 'Warisan' the entire day long, lol. MGS also had their celebration today. Omg, Khayma is so childishhh!!!! I'm sometimes embarassed to be her friend, man! She jump jump jump in the hall today, like what only la! Everyone staring at us, so pai seh! Cheh... x malu punye budak... -.-
Oh ya! Hungry Ghost almost over! Aiyo... I geng man... watching 'Kakashi' last week, and then 'The Death Curse' day before yesterday. Omg, I don't know why I'm watching ghost movie when I'm not supposed to! Geez... hafta be careful. Respect the dead.

Ah well... guess that's it. I drew a potrait of Byakuya today. Yesh, at last it's finished for my bro, hahaha! And I made a nice pic too! ^^

Sore ja... sayonara to iterasshai!

Still trying to transmute gold on 20:33

Sunday 26 August 2007

Report: Meteora For The Broken Soul

"Don't Stay"- Well damn..... I wish she would just go away and leave me alone. This enire week has been the happiest week of my life, with me being alone. I hate her. I wish she would just leave and never come back. She makes me feel, empty, hollow... like my Chain of Fate has been ripped out of my chest. Go away, please go away.. and leave me alone.

...I don't need you anymore
I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day
Of you wasting me away...

"Somewhere I Belong" - I hate my life. I fucking hate my life. There are sometimes that I really wanna give up, drop to my knees and end my own life. Huh... how I wish I could do that. I don't belong here. I need to be in a place where I can truly be happy. Cause I ain't happy here. But you know what? The ironic thing is, I won't allow myself to die. My stupid fucking mind makes me get up, push on, plow through life stubbornly. Maybe... I should freeze my heart like Byakuya... not feel a thing at all.

...I will never know myself until I do this on my own
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today...

"Lying From You"- I must confess. I'm a liar. I've been lying for most of my life now, and it's all because of her. I can pull off any lie... casually and with a straight face. I'm a good actress, pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to be such a submissive little girl, while behind their backs I curse them from the bottom of my heart. My whole life's a lie... Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite... but then again, maybe I am. I want to be myself, but I can't. I fool everyone with a smiling face, angelic words... while deep down I curse and hate myself and cry for doing so, bitter tears of rage and helplessness. I'm trapped.

...I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk
Of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that
And this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person
Really is me and I'm
Trying to bend the truth
The more I push
The more I'm pulling away
Cause I'm
Lying my way from you...

"Faint"- Fuck it all to hell and back. Life is freaking unfair. What am I? Who am I? Questions I ask myself at times.... Heh, I wonder. These scars on my arms don't give me anything but a twisted sadistic mix of pleasure and pain. I'm all alone. Or am I? I may be insane for all I know.. maybe I am. How many nights do I cry alone in my bedroom, lamenting the life I never had? Mourning the fact that I'm alone? Tasting the sweet bitter tears that run down my face into the corners of my gasping mouth, a river of the anger and loneliness I feel? Sometimes I don't know who I am or what I want. I want much to have someone by my side, yet I still want to be left alone. Heh... what the hell am I, I wonder....?

...I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got...

"Breaking The Habit"- Have you ever known the feeling of getting addicted to pain? It's giddying... high... and absolutely wonderful. The feeling of slicing your skin open, the crimson blood that ever so ~~lovingly~~slowly wells up and runs down the side of your arm, the bitter but relieving pain that follows? it's pure heaven for me. It's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop, and each time you see a blade, or you see something sharp, or when you're so broken and overwhelmed, you just want to hurt yourself in anyway possible. It's habit, no... it's a drug. And I'm addicted. I can't break this habit, but I can break my ~~self~~ skin.

...I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight...

"From The Inside" - I'm slowly freezing.... or breaking apart maybe, I don't know... from the inside. My heart is cold, frozen.. yet I can still feel the pain of a thousand scars, like barbed wire wrapped around it. It won't be long when I'll completely fall into my darkness, losing myself in the process to become an unfeeling shell. I don't know what to do.... I can feel myself slowly, but surely breaking.

...Tension is building inside, steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way, out of me
Trying not to break
But I'm so tired with this deceit
Everytime I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring and time between
And how, trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me...

"Numb" - I'm numb. Nothing makes me cry any longer, except for the times when I allow the salty liquid to run down the sides of my face. I feel so numb because my heart has become nothing more than a lump of ice, anything hurled at me I don't feel any longer. Nothing. You can say you hate me, you can take out your anger or rage on me, but I won't feel anything. I can't feel anything at all.... unless some person knows how. And I'm waiting for that day for someone to thaw me and bring me back to life.

...I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the presurre of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow...

___________________________________________________________________

My song, my theme... is "Numb". Please, anyone... just save me from myself.....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Still trying to transmute gold on 18:58